‘Religious liberty’ is veiled bigotry

Rep. Raul Labrador (R-Idaho) has sponsored the First Amendment Defense Act. House Republicans are big fans.

Labrador’s bill will forbid the dread federal government from taking “any discriminatory action” against a person who discriminates against gay people — as long as that person makes it clear that, according to the bill, they’re discriminating for a “religious belief or moral conviction that marriage is or should be recognized as the union of one man and one woman, or that sexual relations are properly reserved to such a marriage.”

So rejoice, ye religious people whose particular interpretation of your omniscient God’s infrangible law does not permit the selling of sandwiches to wedlocked gays — nor to the single gays who still insist on having gay sex — for, perhaps, no longer shall you suffer under the fascist, Kenyan sickle of Darth Obama and his Sith Court of Apostate Minions.

Where the Bill of Rights has failed you by permitting a small group of people — like 5 percent of the population — to do something that in no way inhibits your freedom to practice Bronze Age superstition, this law (that probably won’t pass, and if it does, will probably be repealed, or found unconstitutional by Dark Lord Obama’s Death Council of the Black-Robed Nine) will right all that has been wronged.

Your small businesses will have the holy right to refuse service and employment to anyone who’s gay, because otherwise, discriminating against someone based on an inherent trait — like skin color — is illegal.

The First Amendment Defense Act also assures that your tax-exempt churches and religious organizations (like schools, which may have gay employees) can continue not paying taxes, despite many already violating the conditions of their tax-exempt status by actively campaigning in a political way against same-sex marriage. You can also fire any employee for having gay sex, marital or recreational, without fear of the government discriminating against your divinely sanctioned morality.

So the next step, obviously, is to issue all homosexuals and transgender individuals I.D. badges. That way, we know who they are, thus enabling a more consistent meting of God’s supernal (and benevolent) justice.

This isn’t bigotry, of course. These are God’s rules, not man’s, and everyone’s just following orders. And God says the only way to handle gay people is to kill them. So when claiming “religious liberty,” it’s imperative that it also be legal to comply fully with the Almighty’s will.

That means, logically, the First Amendment Defense Act must permit a Christian business owner or employee who claims infringed religious liberty to dispatch any sexually active homosexual that requests service, as is mandated by God’s infrangible law in Leviticus 20:13.

However, it’s only reasonable to require that business owner or employee to cite their religious belief in writing, complete with certificate of baptism and date of last confession, each signed by the presiding clergy. This will help avoid confusion at the inquest. And presumably, these Christians will never have trimmed their beards or committed sexual relations in any nontraditional orifice.

Religious liberty laws are not only bullshit, they’re disingenuous. They’re tantamount to a kind of Jim Crow and just a sneaky way to be bigoted without the hurt feelings that come with being called a bigot.

The Bible has a nut load of rules, and Christians don’t follow a lot of them because they’re illegal in a society in which slavery is outlawed, women own land and everyone has ready access to ice cubes.

So when some morally righteous claque cherry picks just one of God’s laws to get really pissed about, it seems a little inauthentic. The Bible also forbids wearing clothing made from two types of fabric but no one’s screaming about religious liberty because their taxes cover cotton-nylon Army uniforms.

“Religious liberty” is just an excuse to hate people and not be accountable for it.

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